Saturday, August 30, 2014

Hope

Isn’t that one of the best words in the English language?  I echo the Psalmist when he says “Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.” Psalm 25:5.

So I was listening to music while working on Friday, and I often just shuffle everything on my phone.  It drives Sue nuts when I do that because of all the weird transitions between people like The Beatles, Michael Card, The Rolling Stones, Sara Groves, Pink Floyd, John Denver, Billy Joel, Carolyn Arends, Dwight Plett, etc.  Anyway, at one point MercyMe’s “I Can Only Imagine” came on and I closed my eyes to do some imagining.  Before I knew it, tears were streaming down my face and I was glad to be facing my screens in such a way that people walking by wouldn’t notice.

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel
Will I dance for your Jesus
Or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence
Or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Yeah, it completely caught me:  I was overwhelmed by joy.  What a hope!  (Well, ok, maybe not the dancing.  :-O)

I eventually managed to compose myself and continue working.  A few hours later Sue called.  The surgeon had called.  He wanted to offer me another liver resection (surgery).  Apparently the tumour board had decided it was at least worth another try.  Unfortunately he was in a hurry, so we have a number of questions outstanding (e.g. when, what the chance of success is, etc., etc.), but it seems there may be a little hope for a bit more time here after all.  And that after I’d so much begun looking forward to the next phase of my existence.  :-)

Aren’t roller-coasters fun?  And now from MercyMe to Billy Joel:  “From the high To the low to the end of the show For the rest of their lives.” :-)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

I'm not dead yet...

What a fantastic couple of weeks I’ve had!

On Sunday, August 17, I fulfilled a life-long dream by jumping out of a plane.  As a bonus, I got to do that with my daughter Amy, and my good friend Bill.  What a treat!  My pictures are here, and I’ll eventually get around to posting the video.  I had no idea the skin on my face was so loose.  Amy is just so much more photogenic than I am!!! :-)

Later the same week, I got to go on a wonderful road trip with my son Brodie.  I drove him out to Vancouver for the Giants rookie camp.  It was quite a thrill for both of us.  He played very well.  (In case you’re wondering, he’s not actually old enough to make the team yet.  They do this for 15-year-olds that they consider prospects to get a better look at them and give them a taste of the WHL.)  I know that since we’re both guys we shouldn’t talk too much about bonding, but I think we did some of that.  And it was such a great GUY trip.  How can five banzai burgers in five days and taking turns complaining about the traffic be bad? :-)

On the medical front, the good news is that it doesn’t look like there’s a surgery in my near future after all.  The bad news is that it doesn’t look like there’s a surgery in my near future after all.  Unfortunately, in my case, that really is bad news.  After numerous tests over the last few weeks (MRI, colonoscopy, CT scan, PET scan) we met with the liver surgeon today.  I hope I capture the essence of what he said correctly, but it was not good.  Essentially he said that the tumour had, in fact, returned, and that the location meant that it was practically inoperable.  Also, since it returned so quickly after chemo, chemo doesn’t sound like a good option either.  He said that without treatment I may not have more than a couple of months, and that they’re running out of treatment options.  He and his colleagues were going to discuss it further on Friday or Tuesday and then we’ll get information about what’s next.  He did mention localized radiation might be an option, but at the end of the day, he didn’t give us much cause for hope.  So, whereas the subject says that I’m not dead yet, it would appear that it may not be all that much longer.  It does seem strange to hear/say that when I’m feeling as healthy as I am right now, but I guess that’s the way it is.  Still, we will continue to leave it in God’s hands, and if He wants me around longer or figures my work here isn’t done, He’ll pull me/us through it.  In the words of Job:
"Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised."
Job 1:21 (NIV)
Or, in the words of a contemporary movie, “God is good, all the time!”  I’m still more familiar with Job’s words in the King James version:  “blessed be the name of the Lord”.

Wednesday, August 06, 2014

"Our present sufferings..."

I may have made reference to this scripture in a previous update, but I was reading Romans 8 today and verse 18 kinda jumped out at me:  “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  Then, just a bit further along verse 21 says “in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God”.  There is so much more in that chapter – I encourage you to read it in its entirety.  I read it while in the lobby of my oncologist’s office, waiting to hear about my 3-month (after chemo) CT scan.

It’s almost not right that I open by talking about “present suffering”.  The last three months have been fantastic!  My spirits have seldom been higher.  However, when one has just had a CT scan and one’s oncologist moves one’s appointment up by a week, it does cause one to wonder a little.  Well, sure enough, the cancer is either back or was never all gone after all.  Apparently there is growth around the edges of where the liver surgery was.  Right now they’re planning to open me up again and clean up the growth on the liver.  I find myself once again caught between the bleakness of the oncologist’s outlook and the optimism of the liver surgeon’s outlook.  The liver surgeon seems to think he can clean it up quite easily.  The oncologist says if the liver surgery can’t happen quickly enough, we’ll need to do some more chemo.  However, he was also saying that he wasn’t sure the “tumour board” (I don’t know what that is either, but it sounds like a few doctors/specialists need to agree?) might not approve more chemo since the chemo between my liver surgery and now wasn’t effective enough and they might start to think “incurable” (yes, that word did come up).  The oncologist is really hoping the surgery happens toward the end of August.  He used the word “urgency” when describing the timetable.  I think I’ve stated that as accurately and objectively as possible.

So, if you’re so inclined, please feel free to pray especially for Sue, Amy, and Brodie.  I’m not exactly looking forward to all the medical appointments, procedures, etc., either, but my welfare doesn’t concern me nearly as much as theirs.  Another verse that I may have used before (I guess I should keep track J) comes to mind:  “I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” Philippians 1:23-24.  I guess I’m kinda wishing I could say, with Paul: “Convinced of this, I know that I will remain” (v25), but my future does not seem that clear.