God is Good...

… all the time.  Right?  Well, I firmly believe that to be true, but sometimes it’s much more difficult to acknowledge than others.

I believe God has been tremendously good to me – far better than I deserve.  I often feel like I’ve led a charmed life.  From an early age, He gave me a relationship with Himself.  He gave me parents, siblings, and an upbringing that I believe are simply the best ever.   He gave me a wife that has been more of a support and companion than I could ever have imagined (and keeps getting better!).  He gave me two kids who have grown and matured beautifully.  He gave me an extended family and friends that I cherish.  He gave me a career that I love.  He gave me a better home in a better community than I deserve.  He let me travel and see much more of the world than is fair.  He has provided for me at every turn.

Why, when I consider all of that, do I still sometimes find myself angry at Him?  Yes, that’s exactly how bizarre my present situation is.  It simply makes no sense.  Let me explain.

Two weeks ago I lost my job.  This was a job that I thought I was good at, and thought I was doing a good job of.  It paid well and had good benefits (especially in light of my cancer fight).  It seemed like a perfect fit, and I even thought that it might be the job I would retire from.  I had the audacity to think it was exactly where God wanted me.  Apparently God had other plans.

Well, whereas there is no question I want what God wants for me, losing my job threw me into a funk (ok, I’ll be honest:  a nasty depression).  Suddenly, all I could do was lie in bed curled up in a fetal position.  Suddenly, all the faith I thought I had in God came tumbling down.  Suddenly all I could think of was financial ruin.  Suddenly, God hated me and was punishing me.  Suddenly, God couldn’t be trusted with my future.  SERIOUSLY?!?  Does that make sense?  Of course not.

Hopefully I’ve encapsulated the illogical nature of what I’m going through, because that, at least in part, may be the most difficult for me.  I tend to consider myself a fairly logical person.  This depression makes no sense.  And what’s worse, I can’t think my way out of it.  And that, I think, is EXACTLY where God wants me.  I think that more and more God is working to draw me closer to Himself, and more and more I’m able to relate to Paul’s struggle against the “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:1-10).  I know that pride is something I’ve wrestled with most of my life, and I think I was growing comfortable in my self-sufficiency.  I didn’t “need” God like I did when I was going through cancer.  Well, I believe God wants us to need Him and be dependent on Him.  I think God is clearly saying to me, like He did to Paul “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Now I want to get to the point of saying, with Paul, “That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.”

Now, that all sounds wonderful and spiritual and “holier-than-thou”, right?  Well, that is NOT where I’m coming from.  That may be where I desire to be, but I’ve got a long way to go.  Right now, I am still battling this depression, and it’s nasty.  (I’m here to tell you that mental illness is every bit as real as physical illness.  I can also tell you that depression and discouragement are similar in many regards, but worlds apart in terms of their impact.  I’ve experienced both.)  Whereas I know God will take care of me over the long haul, I still have to get through this.  And at times like these, He so often seems silent.  I’ve been trying to do all the right things (spend time in His word, spend time praying, reach out to family and friends, get some exercise, take my meds¹, etc.).  These help some, but the darkness is still very often present and overwhelming.  I’m reading an excellent book right now (recommended by a dear friend who goes by the initials PD) called “Astonished:  Recapturing the Wonder, Awe, and Mystery of Life with God”.  It does a fantastic job of describing why God often seems silent or distant.  One of the things that caught my attention is this.  Many Christians like to quote Jeremiah 29:11:  “’For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  That really is a wonderful promise, isn’t it?  Well, besides my personal doubt that it’s a promise that any/every believer today can claim, the author of the book points out that most of us miss an important part of the context from verse 10:  “When seventy years are completed.”  Seriously?  They had to wait for 70 years?!?  Well, that certainly makes my two weeks sound trivial, doesn’t it?

Anyway, if you’re the praying type, feel free to bring my needs to God when you think of them.  The physical needs are simple:  1) deliverance from depression, 2) physical energy and mental acuity to update my resume and go job hunting, and 3) a new job (which would likely cure #1).  The spiritual need (a closer walk with Him, which is also what I pray for you) is much more important and subtle.  If you’re NOT the praying type, why not?  😊

I am tempted to share much more, but I’d like to keep this short enough so that hopefully you’ll actually read it.  😊

¹ – yes, I’m on meds.  I know that can be controversial, but that strays from the point of this post.  Feel free to contact me if you want to chat about it.